Gentlemen: The dating doctor is in
For some ladies and gents, looking for love can be brutal. Fear not, Amir Georges Sabongui, BA 90, PhD 06, is here to help. Sitting in his office one fine afternoon, the psychologist had a eureka moment that would define his practice for years to come.
"A young man walked in, young professional, athletic, good looking, and he said to me, 'OK, Doc, here's my problem: I slept with six women this year.'
I said, 'That's not so bad, most guys only sleep with six or seven women in their whole lives,' " recalls Sabongui, who also practices corporate psychology and directs the Alpha Medical Clinic and Sabongui Organizational Solutions in Montreal. "And he said, 'You don't understand! When I said I slept with them, I mean I slept with them!' "
As his distraught client's soirées drew to their inevitable conclusions, Sabongui explains, the damsels in question would just want to cuddle or sleep. "He said, 'Doc, what am I doing wrong?' "
A great question, Sabongui realized. "In all my training, nobody ever asked this. It's all nice to talk about his relationship with his mother and social anxiety, but that wasn't his problem."
So what was the fellow's problem? Enter the science of seduction, which, Sabongui is quick to clarify, has nothing to do with being manipulative or duplicitous -- on the contrary.
The techniques advocated by this father of two are all about authenticity, self-improvement, social skills and making a first impression that reflects one's true self. "We're building better men. Women want a good guy, but they want a good guy with a backbone who can be present."
Sabongui also coaches women, though he estimates three-quarters of his clients to be heterosexual males.
Gentlemen, pay attention: The first tip to dating success and social fulfillment is, of course, a good first impression. "When you meet somebody, they have to be interested enough to get to know you."
So, when working with a date-deprived patient, first impression exercises come first. "I send him out into the world to ask friends or people they just met what their first impression is," Sabongui says.
Then comes the hard part: comparing that report with the impression he'd like to project into the world.
"These guys who can't get a date have done such a good job making themselves innocuous that they've lost all their masculinity," continues Sabongui. "They've almost castrated themselves, so they're just flavourless. But that's not who they really are. That's not them! They've decided to be safe because they don't want to offend anyone, they're just scared."
So what's a shy guy to do? According to Sabongui, who used to run dating seminars throughout North America and now coaches patients one on one, authenticity is the key. "Being unafraid of being authentically, unashamedly themselves, but not in an annoying, adolescent, in-your-face kind of way."
And not some idealized version, either. That's why Sabongui's second dating tip is committing to continuous self-improvement. "It's not about faking it but actually being it. How they can improve themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually? Then, how can they transmit all that through first impression so somebody wants to get to know them better?"
Tip three is to practice social and communication skills, behaviours so subtle, Sabongui points out, they can take years of practice to refine. "So whatever you're doing, call up some friends to do it with you."
Finally, Sabongui, who is also writing a book about how to shine under pressure, teaches men to genuinely add value to people's lives. Simply put, "Be a giver not a taker. Have no ulterior motive in any interaction. You just want to add value to people's lives. That's it — nothing else."
For romantically challenged women, Sabongui's process is the same, yet the skills he teaches differ. "We see women who are bright, young, professional, wickedly competitive athletes, successful in every domain of their lives. They're incredibly busy and brilliant, socially engaged, and they don't know why they can't get a boyfriend. It's because they're too perfect. So, we coach them to allow themselves to be more vulnerable, more in touch with their sensuality."
Ultimately, though, for either gender, Sabongui says a little patience, humour and compassion go a long way. "Don't take yourself too seriously."
Related links: